THE LAST WORD
The Ultimate Scientific Dictionary
Activation Energy: The useful quantity of energy available in one cup
of coffee.
Atomic Theory: A mythological explanation of the nature of matter,
first proposed by the ancient Greeks, and now
thoroughly discredited by modern computer simulation.
Attempts to verify the theory by modern computer
simulation have failed. Instead, it has been
demonstrated repeatedly that computer outputs depend
upon the color of the programmer's eyes, or occasionally
upon the month of his or her birth. This apparent
astrological connection, at last, vindicates the
alchemist's view of astrology as the mother of all
science.
Bacon, Roger: An English friar who dabbled in science and made
experimentation fashionable. Bacon was the first
science popularizer to make it big on the banquet and
talk-show circuit, and his books even outsold the fad
diets of the period.
Biological Science: A contradiction in terms.
Bunsen Burner: A device invented by Robert Bunsen (1811-1899) for
brewing coffee in the laboratory, thereby enabling
the chemist to be poisoned without having to go all
the way to the company cafeteria.
Butyl: An unpleasant-sounding word denoting an unpleasant-
smelling alcohol.
CAI: Acronym for "Computer-Aided Instruction". The modern
system of training professional scientists without
ever exposing them to the hazards and expense of
laboratory work. Graduates of CAI-based programs are
very good at simulated research.
Cavendish: A variety of pipe tobacco that is reputed to produce
remarkably clear thought processes, and thereby leads
to major scientific discoveries; hence, the name of a
British research laboratory where the tobacco is
smoked in abundance.
Chemical: A substance that: 1) An organic chemist turns into a
foul odor; 2) an analytical chemist turns into a
procedure; 3) a physical chemist turns into a
straight line; 4) a biochemist turns into a helix;
5) a chemical engineer turns into a profit.
Chemical Engineering: The practice of doing for a profit what an organic
chemist only does for fun.
Chromatography: (From Gr. chromo [color] + graphos [writing]) The
practice of submitting manuscripts for publication
with the original figures drawn in non-reproducing
blue ink.
Clinical Testing: The use of humans as guinea pigs. (See also PHAR-
MACOLOGY and TOXICOLOGY)
Compound: To make worse, as in: 1) A fracture; 2) the
mutual adulteration of two or more elements.
Computer Resources: The major item of any budget, allowing for the
acquisition of any capital equipment that is obsolete
before the purchase request is released.
Eigen Function: The use to which an eigen is put.
En: The universal bidentate ligand used by coordination
chemists. For years, efforts were made to use ethylene-
diamine for this purpose, but chemists were unable
to squeeze all the letters between the corners of
the octahedron diagram. The timely invention of
en in 1947 revolutionized the science.
Evaporation Allowance: The volume of alcohol that the graduate students
can drink in a year's time.
Exhaustive Methylation: A marathon event in which the participants methylate
until they drop from exhaustion.
First Order Reaction: The reaction that occurs first, not always the one
desired. For example, the formation of brown gunk in
an organic prep.
Flame Test: Trial by fire.
Genetic Engineering: A recent attempt to formalize what engineers have been
doing informally all along.
Grignard: A fictitious class of compounds often found on organic
exams and never in real life.
Inorganic Chemistry: That which is left over after the organic, analytical,
and physical chemists get through picking over the
periodic table.
Mercury: (From L. Mercurius, the swift messenger of the gods)
Element No. 80, so named because of the speed of which
one of its compounds (calomel, Hg2Cl2) goes through
the human digestive tract. The element is perhaps
misnamed, because the gods probably would not be
pleased by the physiological message so delivered.
Monomer: One mer. (Compare POLYMER).
Natural Product: A substance that earns organic chemists fame and glory
when they manage to systhesize it with great
difficulty, while Nature gets no credit for making it
with great ease.
Organic Chemistry: The practice of transmuting vile substances into
publications.
Partition Function: The function of a partition is to protect the lab
supervisor from shrapnel produced in laboratory
explosions.
Pass/Fail: An attempt by professional educators to replace the
traditional academic grading system with a binary one
that can be handled by a large digital computer.
Pharmacology: The use of rabbits and dogs as guinea pigs. (See also
CLINICAL TESTING, TOXICOLOGY).
Physical Chemistry: The pitiful attempt to apply y=mx+b to everything in
the universe.
Pilot Plant: A modest facility used for confirming design errors
before they are built into a costly, full-scale
production facility.
Polymer: Many mers. (Compare MONOMERS).
Prelims: (From L. pre [before] + limbo [oblivion]) An
obligatory ritual practiced by graduate students
just before the granting of a Ph.D. (if the gods are
appeased) or an M.S. (if they aren't).
Publish or Perish: The imposed, involuntary choice between fame and
oblivion, neither of which is handled gracefully by
most faculty members.
Purple Passion: A deadly libation prepared by mixing equal volumes of
grape juice and lab alcohol.
Quantum Mechanics: A crew kept on the payroll to repair quantums, which
decay frequently to the ground state.
Rate Equations: (Verb phrase) To give a grade or a ranking to a
formula based on its utility and applicability. H=E,
for example, applies to everything everywhere, and
therefore rates an A. pV=nRT, on the other hand, is
good only for nonexistent gases and thus receives
only a D+, but this grade can be changed to a B- if
enough empirical virial coefficients are added.
Research: (Irregular noun) That which I do for the benefit of
humanity, you do for the money, he does to hog all the
glory.
Sagan: The international unit of humility.
Scientific Method: The widely held philosophy that a theory can never be
proved, only disproved, and that all attempts to
explain anything are therefore futile.
SI: Acronym for "Systeme Infernelle".
Spectrophotometry: A long word used mainly to intimidate freshman
nonmajors.
Spectroscope: A disgusting-looking instrument used by medical
specialists to probe and examine the spectrum.
Toxicology: The wholesale slaughter of white rats bred
especially for that purpose. (See also CLINICAL
TESTING, PHARMACOLOGY).
X-Ray Diffraction: An occupational disorder common among physicians,
caused by reading X-ray pictures in darkened rooms
for prolonged periods. The condition is readily
cured by a greater reliance on blood chemistries; the
lab results are just as inconclusive as the X-rays, but
are easier to read.
Ytterbium: A rare and inconsequential element, named after the
village of Ytterby, Sweden (not to be confused with
Iturbi, the late pianist and film personality, who
was actually Spanish, not Swedish). Ytterbium is
used mainly to fill block 70 in the periodic table.
Iturbi was used mainly to play Jane Powell's father.